A cousin's note.

To:  Lili jiejie 

It’s been more than a month since you’ve left us, and somehow you’ve managed to come to mind most nights, just as my brain’s about to wander off to sleep. It’s mostly my last sight of you which admittedly, creeps me out and leaves me really scared in the middle of the night - though I must say, you looked peaceful and very much the same as you did. 

Was thinking how strange (your) death makes me think about you more often, perhaps so because a part of me knows very well we’ll never get to create new memories, so the old ones will have to do. Was thinking if it’s weird of me to be thinking of you at such a high frequency till I saw your Facebook wall the other day, still filled with well wishes and friends talking about you. Oh and of course, Ivan. So, I guess I’m not the only one.. Every now and then you’ll pop up in our conversations and we’d all have this unsaid moment of silence, probably each having flashbacks of you, thinking about your tragedy. Incidentally, Ivan posted a ‘Happy birthday Darling’ since it was your birthday. I hope you got to see it, wherever you are. I saw Lengleng jiejie’s post about you being in heaven. Never a religious person, I’ve never given much thought about after life, or heaven. But just in case it ever exists, then I hope you’re there, at a better place. 

Read the news the other day about how a lady was pronounced brain dead but miraculously revived after 3 days and I couldn’t help but think of you. The miracle could have happened on you. You could still be here, going on your Europe trip, and I could have formally went over to your house during new year and played with Waggy. And I’d have you here to tell me everything I want to know, need to know about universities, when it’s finally my turn at it. Last year you asked me about my choices but said wait till it’s my turn before our conversation ran deep. The year before you were somewhat thrilled I was in VJ and texted my mum that you were there helping with admissions only it wasn’t my year. I can’t believe it’s finally my year but you’re no longer here. It feels so surreal.

Then again if I were to go on to the ‘could have’ , ‘what if’ and ‘should have’s , I should probably start with the motherfuckers that robbed you. How desperate were they to commit such an atrocious act? Have they done this before? Were you just one of their innocent victims? Never in my wildest dreams have I ever imagined such things actually happening in reality. Why yes, I’ve read enough newspapers, watched enough drama series and news and been told enough times that accidents do happen and how dangerous the world is out there. But still, I would never expect this to happen to a family member. News remained news, I never expected someone I knew and remotely close to, would appear ON the news. This doesn’t make sense. And even though I’ve attended your wake, part of me still haven’t acknowledged the fact that you’re gone and never to return. We aren’t the closest of cousins, but visits to Katong have made me accustomed to seeing you there. I haven’t gone there since your accident, we haven’t met as an extended family since, and I simply can’t envision not seeing you there. 

Planned on ending this post with the picture of us at the family bbq but we both looked bad from all the oil and smoke that day so… nope, no picture. 

Thanks for having been my cousin. I kinda miss you when I think about you. I hope you’re at a better place and you’re feeling better. 

- Alicia