第49天

1996年，4月

Hello 公公， 

I've been thinking alot about you ever since your passing. 

Growing up, you were always a quiet figure in my life. I recall how we used to have weekly gatherings at popo's house, how we used to celebrate our birthdays together as a family - a tradition which stopped after primary school, and how you were always the one that's 'left out' cos you never seemed keen on joining us in the kitchen , where we would cut our birthday cakes and eat together. Some days you would even bring your dinner to the living room and watch TV while eating , instead of dining with us. I remember how you and popo used to quarrel , and how sometimes it got so bad she would start throwing plates at you, and even once, a knife but we stopped her in time. I remember you used to love sitting at the void deck, first seat on the right, watching the world go by, and we would go down and ask you up for dinner. I remember feeling sad that you seemed lonely, especially when the adults sided with popo whenever you quarrelled with her. 

I don't know what happened in the previous generation, but you were never a bad grandpa. I remember how you gave me and kor money to buy chee cheong fan at the coffee shop downstairs, how you used to cook for us, especially your signature curry - which we started complaining about the taste , and how you shouldn't have added eggs in .  I never felt close to you, because you were always quiet and by yourself, and also because I wasn't exactly your favourite grandchild - if you had one, but even so, you were always trying to talk to me and show me your concern. You were never good with words and you take a long time to complete your sentences. You grew up speaking Hainan only, barely knowing Chinese, but you always took the effort to ask me questions about my life, in Chinese, so we could communicate. I remember how you used to ask me about school, and when exams came up, you would ask how I did. When it was time to choose secondary schools and JC, you were there to ask me about my choices. I don't know if you knew my schools, but you seemed proud of my results and honestly, I was proud to have something to let you be proud of, even though I never showed or even mentioned. Instead, all I did was probably frown when you spoke to me cos it takes me a long time to understand what you are talking cos you can't express well in Chinese. But despite my nonchalance and disobedience, you still continued showering me with care. I remember how you used to make fried nian gao for me whenever you knew that I was going back popo house cos that's my favourite dish, and how you would always tell me to '趁热吃 ' ， and also how you smiled and looked at me with pride, and told the other old folks I'm your grand daughter when I picked you up from the elderly's day care one afternoon, me in my AHS uniform. 

I just want to let you know that even though you've left us, I'll always remember you. Thank you for your love and care. And yes, that's my favourite photo of us together. It was before all the illnesses got the better of you , before you had stroke and relied on walking aid. I know I should be thankful to have you seen me through 19years of my life, but I really wish you could have stayed with us  a little longer, to watch me through my uni graduation at least. But that would be selfish of me - you were so tormented with your illnesses. I really hope that the end was a relief for you, a freeing from the pain and disease. 

PS. It was really hard to see you in the last office and at the mortuary the day you left us. Even more heart wrenching to   watch your last journey to the cremation room. I hope us breaking down didn't make your leaving anymore harder than it already was. 

念您，

碧滢