Hello there, it's been really long since I've written anything here. Partly because I've grown addicted to tumblr and recently, dayre.me , and also because I've been too lazy & busy to blog. Finally wrote something on Tumblr
that is long enough and something that means enough to be posted here too.

In case I've been missed, life really hasn't been much lately. I've mostly been trying to study for finals . I have 5 papers - sad life of a lazy art student that has left her readings untouched till the eve of exams, but what is new?

Oh, living in hall has made me a little more competitive than I usually am - old friends can testify, so I've really been trying to hit a CAP 4.0. It would suck to get a lousy CAP for first semester because I'll have to spend the rest of my university life trying to pull it back, and also, I feel like I'll be horridly judged in hall should my grades fall short of what is deemed satisfaction by large. Hopefully my (last minute) efforts pull off at the end of the day!

PS. Grades out on 24th December. What a grinch.

PPS. Here goes my long post :
...

It’s so daunting to think that someday I’ll lose my parents - because eventually we all die, as morbid as I sound. And until tonight, I’ve never felt a fear so real. It’s really upsetting to look at them now, and see that they’re growing older as I begin to grow up and finally take a look at the world and what it has to offer.

It seems just like yesterday when they were waving me goodbye on my bus to nursery, fetching me home from school, throwing me birthday parties and surprising me in classes. It seems just like yesterday when I was discussing about the vastness of life and it’s million questions with them.

Yet today I’m grown and an undergraduate. Yet today I no longer have to turn to them in search of answers to my each and every question. Amidst the search of self and seeking to understand the world, I’ve committed what any other adolescent and young adult have, I’ve put family as my last priority. Because they’re a nag. Because dad adopts an authoritarian stance towards discipline despite his authoritative self at times. Because subconsciously, I know they’re always going to be there for me when I fall and help me heal my wounds. Because home is where you always turn to when you need a shelter for your soul. I’ve grown distant, I’ve grown selfish. But they still love me all the same. If not more ever since my stay in hall. The look on dad’s face every time I return kills me on the inside. On one hand, I feel really lucky for such loving parents. But on the other, I feel the pressure of being doted on. I’m their life. They work hard each day to put bread on the table, they work hard each day for the brother and I. And they don’t even expect us to do the same for them in future. They’re not doing this for me to reciprocate. They want me to work hard for my own future. So they’re working hard to provide me with the resources for me to build my own. For all they’ve done and given me, I can’t say the same for them.

Growing up, I’ve always felt that it’s the parent’s responsibility to treat their children right. Afterall, we don’t get to choose our parents. We don’t even get to choose to be born. They were the ones who made the choice - choice of having a family, choice of having us. But now, I look at the unconditional love my parents have brought me up with, and I certainly can’t say the same. Perhaps it’s me growing up and maturing, perhaps it’s the myelination in my brain that’s forcing me to think a little more alike to my parents and see their side of the story. Or maybe just  the selfish angry teen inside me is slowly fading out. 

I’m learning to cherish them and all their ways of concern , even if it’s the constant calls and texts wanting to know my whereabouts, even if it’s the nagging that I feel unnecessary. I guess it’s right that we’ll never know a person until we walk a mile in their shoes. I’ll never understand how it feels to be a parent till I’m one myself. I’ll never understand how it feels to suffer the loneliness and missing of a child when she no longer comes to you for each and every need, when you no longer get to see her each and everyday, when once upon a time you were her world and now you’re just a small part of hers, a part she turns to when she needs a break from the world outside, when she has material needs. Yet you still look forward to her homecoming, yet you still shower her with all your love.

Growing older now, and staying in hall, I’m thankful for the hard and fast rules you brought me up with. I’m thankful for my strict upbringing, for without these I wouldn’t be anchored. For without them, I would be lost with all the temptations I’m faced. My life would be fucked up, really. Thank you, even though once upon a time, they were the very reasons for our quarrels.

You told me life is unfair. At the back of the car, when I was barely 7. I shouted back at you and told you life is fair, the world is fair. How could it not be? I remember being on the verge of tears, how could the world not be? Now I see things in a different light, now I see things in your light. Though a little too young to impose that on me, I’m still thankful for your tough upbringing that I’m here, fitting in well with the world. With that, you forced me to work hard for my grades and inculcated within me, the importance of education. That’s why I’m where I am today. You taught me to be honest, to never lie. And so I speak with truthfulness to all I meet. (Though I still lie every now and then, especially about my whereabouts to you, but oh well, white lies don’t hurt ) You taught me to observe, people and things. And so, I’m doing fine in my social world. You taught me so many things, and shaped me to who I am today. 

I really hate to see the wrinkles by your eyes, and to think that both your healths are slowly going downhill as I reach the peak of mine. And as I’m out there doing things I want and exploring my part of the world, you’re both waiting for me to come home. 

I’m guilty as charged. Now that the rebellious teen has faded and left, it’s time I strive to be a better daughter. One that not only receives, but also gives. 

Love, 

Me