SOMEONE LIKE YOU,

For so long, I’ve missed you. I can’t describe this feeling, of knowing and loving somebody for so long that makes you feel like family. And of aching to see you.

But every time that we do, it always feel like something’s missing. The short time we spent yesterday came as a realisation. I can’t converse with you. We can’t converse. There’s nothing solid about our friendship. There’s nothing there. It came like a slap in my face. Why was I at so many points along our friendship and of liking you, so adamant that you were the one? That even though we’re not together and have never been, someday you’ll probably tell me that you’ve liked me all along and so have I and we’ll turn out happily ever after? And that’s why we’ve continued wasting time together after so long and after so many unproductive, meaningless outings? And even if we weren’t gonna get together, we’d eventually be good friends even though to be honest, our interactions spoke nothing like that. There was no chemistry, no similarities in personality, nothing I’d ever look for in a friend or partner. I regarded you as everything I did , simply because you were you.

On our way home. At one point the silence was deafening. Yet as horrible as it was, I think it was better that way than to carry on another awkward and meaningless conversation. I couldn’t wait for the journey home to end. I couldn’t wait for you to leave. And the feeling was mutual. It was then that it really struck me no matter how good you are - and I haven’t even seen it, some things just can’t be forced, not even friendship. 

I can’t help but feel overwhelmed with emotions right now. Especially with ‘Have I told you lately that I love you’ playing in background. 

Fill my heart with gladness
Take away all my sadness
Ease my troubles that’s what you do

That was exactly how I felt, and the song that I was listening to when you popped up my mind some months ago. Was. You were a great friend of sorts. You were not always there when I needed you, but you were there. You were my listening ear and my advisor. But I needed you more than you needed me. And that’s why none of this friend thing or whatever’s gonna work out. Because we aren’t friends. Because friends don’t behave in this manner. Because I hate how you’re so secretive about your life and how we can’t even hold a proper conversation. And talking’s important to me. And because we can never find the right words to say to each other or the right things to do. Because despite all these time, we still feel awkward with each other. And it shows. 

So when I watched you leave last night, I watched you leave. Saying goodbye takes a lot from me because I’ve grown so attached to you, for reasons even I don’t know why. I can’t summarise all the times we’ve been through or how you’ve made me felt or felt like. But, thanks for letting me be wilful, annoying, and weird with you. (Even though weird was what you said to me which hurt me a little yesterday) Thanks for having been there even though you really didn’t have to. And for the good times and the bad. And for everything that you’ve done or that you didn’t do. I’ve learnt a lot from all the years that I’ve known you. I’ve learnt a lot about what people call love, and friendship. I’ve learnt that I really do not know much (if anything even) about you, and that’s not how relationships should be - I mean this in a human to human relation. Please don’t think I’m being all weird and delusional because this is not a post for somebody I’m deluding as my boyfriend.

At this point I’ve run out of words to say. I wish we could have a proper closure. But what would we say? What could I say? Would we even be able to finally, in all 5 years, speak to each other? To actually have a proper conversation? Would you be able to put aside your facade and just speak with honesty, friend to friend? Would I be able to do that? I guess not. And that’s why I’m writing this, for you. This is probably the best form. 

Goodbye, old friend. I’ll miss you, but I’ve learnt that in life, people will leave at some point, and there’s nothing you can do. We’ve spent more time together than we really should have. I’ve spent way too much time on you than I should have, and you’ve been stuck with me for way too long. It’s time we part ways and embark on this journey called life. I wish you all the best. You're a beautiful person, and you're special. I hope one day you'll share with that one person all your gifts and all your thoughts that you've never did talked to me about. You have so much to give to others. As for me, granted, I’ll still think of you every now and then. I’ll still want to come running back to you whenever life throws me shit. But I know now that I can’t, because I shouldn’t. And by liberating you (in some form) , I’m freeing myself too. So this is it,