So...it's been a couple of days since the Bad News day, and I'm still mopey and upset. Told myself and a couple others that I'll get over it by Christmas, yeah, that didn't happen. Frankly, I don't think I can ever get over it soon and I guess that's a good thing because I'll be really propelled to work my ass off in sem 2. 

Granted, I've scored a number of bad grades in my years of education and really screwed up in JC but never have I gotten such bad grades...epitome of bad grades, call it if you will. Fucking up my CAP during 1st sem of university is just...a whole new level of fucking up. Like really, the pinnacle of fuck-ups in my life. And unbelievably, I'm now one of those that have to slog real hard for the rest of my university life just to pull up my CAP because I've fucked up once too many. So mad at myself for being irresponsible. So mad at myself for scoring such a lousy CAP. It's inexcusably lousy, it's so bad I can't even think of any redeeming points or excuse for myself. 

I look at all my posts about CAP 4.0 and all I see now is a mockery of myself. And I can't help but feel fearfully judged. Like I walk down the street and all people see of me is Cs on my head, and they'll point and giggle like primary school kids because truth is, people are ugly like that. Well, some. I know I sound so cynical and impossible but I really can't stop these negative thoughts. And the worst part is, I can't just say 'fuck it, things will get better'. Because yes it might, but it will take me tremendous hard work and I'm skeptical if I have that fortitude. Even with sheer luck and hard work, I still have to persevere for a couple of sems just to bring things back to equilibrium and be on equal standing ground as my peers. Thinking about all these just sets me back and I feel like hiding back into my shell and never going back school again. Can I start over? ;( 

I recall being upset and on verge of tears, because my pride couldn't accept the C I got for H1 Chem for one of the papers right before A levels. And I got over in an afternoon. This time round I've been mopey for days, and I genuinely feel hopeless, like my world's crumbling before me. Like my future got bleak before it started and I can't even settle for the 9-5pm job I've dreaded upon graduation. Because what if I can't even graduate from university? Because what if luck and hard work never prevails for me and I just end up fucking my entire university education? This is really weird and new for me because I'm not somebody that lets grades define who I am. Never have been and never thought I would be. And I take pride in not letting others dictate my being. But now my ego's just deflated and to be honest I've pretty much lost faith in myself. I think about the cliche 'grades don't define me, and how failure in school doesn't mean failure in life' yet I feel no solace. 

Put aside the flaws of our education and how it never achieves what it sets out to - the debate between really acquiring information to fulfil our thirst for knowledge versus mere surviving school for a prestigious certificate leading to a cushy job is long established, I shall not go there. Somehow at this point in life I actually feel a strong need to excel in my studies because I really want that high-paying job out there. Because at this point I really see that I need to work hard now in order for me to achieve what I want to achieve in future. And we've all been conditioned to think there's a correlation between a high CAP and achieving that high-paying job. Materialistic and realistic, yes. Part of being an adult, yes. Which is why I've been beating myself up so badly for fucking up. 

Sigh, enough of all these bad talk and negative emotions. Time for some Madagascar marathon to pump myself up. 

PS. Despite all the negative thoughts, I obviously haven't given up on myself. Googled and did some research on mods to take next sem so I can focus and know what to do to salvage my CAP. Pulling myself together in bits. This is gonna be an arduous journey, but I have me and I have friends, and at the back of my head a voice is still telling me things will go well, because they have to, eventually :)